 he Natural Nature of Feminine and Masculine Energies As archetypal energies the masculine and feminine are found throughout nature—including human nature whether male- or female-bodied. In the Chinese Tao, a word which translates to the “way” or the “path,” these energies—known as yang and yin--are in harmony, circling and interpenetrating one another to create life and wholeness. Yang, which can be seen as corresponding to masculine energy, moves outward as a driving force. It is assertive and penetrating. In the natural generative path or way of life, yang cycles in harmony with yin, or feminine, energy, which moves inward and is receptive, intuitive, reflective, and inclusive. Yin receives and integrates the parts into a cooperative whole (a both/and move), whereas yang discriminates toward differentiation (an either/or move). Linear, goal-oriented yang energies drive development forward, turning the wheel of life through feminine cycles of birth and death. In this way life (including human life) perpetuates, renews itself, and evolves. Both movements expressing and digesting—outward and linear, and inward and cyclical— are needed and carry within them the seed of the other. The Patriarchal Misuse of Yin and Yang: Deprivation of Wholeness and Emotional Castration Cultures inevitably make meaning of and co-op these energies to support construction of their particular social, political, religious/philosophical, and economic values and framework. American patriarchal culture historically has split the masculine as belonging exclusively to men and the feminine to women, also overvaluing and prizing the masculine (and thus men) and undervaluing and demeaning the feminine (and thus women). This either/or split in which you are either a man (and hence masculine) or a woman (and thus feminine) is itself a product of yang or masculine energies excluding the inclusive, both/and yin or feminine orientation. Creating this split enables the enforcement of a patriarchal hierarchy in which men and masculine individualistic, achievement-oriented values dominate women and feminine inclusive, relational-oriented values. In creating this split, patriarchal culture has worked with these energies in such a way as to deprive both male- and female-bodied persons of wholeness. Women are asked to care for and carry the emotional life of others while discouraged from expressing their fierceness lest they be considered a “bitch,” “cold,” or “manly/unfeminine”—but then are demeaned as weak, sappy, over-emotional. Patriarchal norms for and expectations of masculine energy define what it means to be a man (and not a sissy). Men’s identity tends to be formed around expectation that they be tough (not cry or show weakness), be hyper-independent (not need help), and “disregard relationships, orienting toward accomplishments and power.”* Patriarchal culture expects of men anger, competitiveness, self-interest, and lust—empowering them to dominate women and each other, but otherwise emotionally castrates them, cutting them off from engaging with their own sadness, fear, powerlessness, and dependency/relational needs. It is perhaps gaslighting, and certainly a paradoxical trap that a woman who takes charge, is assertive, competitive, or argues for her position vis-à-vis a man (essentially refuses to just let him have his way) can be accused of being a “castrating bitch.” She has asked a man, who has been severed from his ability to tolerate his own weakness, vulnerability, and fears, to let go of being in the dominant position—of his entitlement to having his own way. A position and entitlement that might be seen as what the cultural has promised him as compensation for the loss of his wholeness. In a culturally determined pattern, to survive psychosocially—to have security and belonging—a woman must castrate her own aggressive energies. A Side Note on Aggression Generally, female aggression is seen as bad and male aggression is both tolerated and cultivated (e.g. American football and war). Aggression, though commonly associated with “attack,” derives from the Latin aggredi, which also means "to approach” or “attempt,” with an earlier ancestral meaning of “to walk” or “go.” Aggression can be understood in relationship to regression, a turning back, and digression, moving sideways. As such, aggression is essentially the energy that moves us forward—toward something—and constitutes a spectrum, the extremes of which might be seen as suggestion on one end and violence on the other. Arguably, aggressive (yang) energies are essential for all people, but need to be moderated and mediated by relational, cooperative, reflective, and inclusive yin energies. This asks us to contemplate our need to be both dependent and independent, both other- and self-oriented, and both dominating and yielding not only as crucial to our personal wholeness but also to mutuality and reciprocity in relationships.  Men, Impossible Goals, and Internalized Masculine Failure In its denial of fear, weakness, and vulnerability and its demeaning of the feminine in its relationship to the cyclical nature of life (which accepts the body’s limitations and mortality), the patriarchal (wounded/severed from the feminine) masculine can become too inflexibly fixed on chasing achievement, perfection, and immortality. Whether for the individual these pursuits are a conscious focus, their pressing unconscious presence as driving cultural values is evident and affects us all, regardless of gender. Living in our culture, we internalize the patriarchal masculine value of mind over matter. Whether we are male- or female-bodied, when our identity is dominated by patriarchally conditioned yang energies the need to perfect one’s body and perpetually achieve (be the best, top earner, king of the hill, a perfect mother and professional) defends against the feared and intolerable mess and limitations of being human: weakness, limitation, imperfection, and death. Even dominate psychological theory and Western medicine suggests reflects this individualistic, achievement-oriented, mind-over-matter bias. We should be able to be free of anxiety and sadness, make our bodies conform to Western standards, and be unaffected by what others think of us. We should be able to use our conscious mind to control and change what we don’t like about our bodies, emotions, and behaviors—and if we can’t we should turn to medication. We even tend to believe, as I heard a hospice doctor describe, that there is always something that could have been done to keep our loved one from dying. In a way, I’m suggesting that patriarchy came about as a defense against and attempt to overcome what it means to be human—essentially asking women to carry and care for weakness, fear, powerlessness, dependencies, and relationality while men carry within them the patriarchal burden of masculine failure. This failure is bound into the transgenerational, cultural, and personal shame and trauma in the inability to be perfect, to overcome the limits of achievement, and to defeat death and the inevitability of vulnerability, powerlessness, dependency, and death. Text and collage by Rebecca Livingston Pottenger |
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 Attachment Theory: Underneath the Problematic Pattern
The attachment view of love gives us a way of understanding toxic patterns. It guides us back to the nature of our childhood experiences of being cared for, encouraged, and protected. Our early experiences of these fundamental needs are stored in unconscious or implicit memory and beliefs about ourselves and others. When these experiences and beliefs cause us to expect to be rejected, abandonned, or hurt by others, and/or to doubt that we have value or are lovable, we may find we have an avoidant or anxious "attachment style" as we seek love and security and defend against hurt and vulnerability in our relationships. As adults, we may consciously want calm, loving, cooperative discussions in which our thoughts and feelings are met with understanding and acceptance. But our desires and plans can be derailed when when unconscious anxieties and beliefs take over. When the child in each of us jumps into the fray with fears about being hurt (e.g., neglected, rejected, abandonned, shamed, controlled, ignored, betrayed, misunderstood) exchanges between lovers can evolve so fast and become so chaotic we can’t catch what’s happening underneath the heated words or the withdrawal. We can’t see how we could react differently or change the pattern we’re trapped in. But if we slow things down we can see the underlying attachment needs—the need to feel understood, accepted, loved, and supported. The powerful emotions that accompany these needs, and the ways we defend against feeling rejected or judged, often arise suddenly. When triggered, our attachment needs explode a conversation into an argument fueled by underlying, unrecognized issues of security and survival—whether the triggering of these issues results in raised voices or withdrawal, heated emotions or numbness. Caught behind our defenses we cease to be open and available to each other. Below, I suggested an approach to becoming more aware of what we are defending against or what is getting in the way of the harmony we want. But sometimes we can't figure out why we keep getting triggered and tripped up in reactions and patterns we don't want--and trying to consciously control or change our thoughts, feelings, and behavior doesn't work. Here, individual depth-oriented therapy can help uncover and heal unconsciously held, emotionally laden beliefs and fears that seem to defeat our conscious will to change. While or after doing our own work to understand and heal ourselves, emotionally focused couples therapy can help us build new patterns of interaction into our relationship that support secure attachment and intimacy. Emotional Responsiveness: The Key to a Lasting Love for Couples Dr. Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, described emotional availablity as having three main components: 1. Accessibility: Can I reach you? Can I be reached? This means being emotionally and physically available, staying open to your partner even when you feel insecure or defensive. It often means being willing to struggle with your emotions (or your numbness) that make you want to either fight or withdraw so that they are not so overwhelming. It may mean learning what you each need to feel open and to return from disconnection. 2.Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? Mutual responsiveness is grounded in respect and tolerance for your differences that eases the defensive need to be right and supports the desire to understand each other. It means accepting your partner’s feelings and perspectives and sending clear signals of comfort, care, and validation when your partner needs them. 3.Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close? The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, involved. Emotional engagement here means the special kind of attention we give to a loved one. Prioritizing time together without distractions, affectionate touch, words of care and appreciation, and expressing interest in each other’s feelings and thoughts are examples of what partners often talk about as being emotionally present. However, we each receive and give love differently. So, engagement also means knowing what makes each other feel loved, as well as what is called each partner’s “love language”—how each of us expresses love. We may find speaking our partner’s love language difficult or may find feeling loved difficult if they don’t speak ours. Being responsibly engaged (able to respond to each other’s needs) may mean becoming bilingual in your love language. One way to remember these three aspects of emotional responsiveness is through an acronym: A.R.E. (accessible, responsive, engaged) and the questions: Are you able to be with me right now? Am I able to be with you right now? Becoming Accessible When we want to be heard, it’s crucial to understand that communication is a 2-way street. If either one of you is inaccessible (whether too hot or too cold), it’s best to delay or back off and take a break. Oops! A way of signaling the need to take a break is for one of you (whoever is noticing the conversation reeling out of control or beyond resolution) to say “Oops!” as a non-blaming signal that a break and time to regroup is needed. Returning to connection starts by connecting with and understanding your reactions to your partner. Getting at what is going on in you: Take some deep belly breaths; journal, draw, or walk out your upset letting the flaring charge of energy release from your body. In journaling, write to the prompts: What I’m really upset about is . . . I can’t be accessible, responsive, and engaged with my partner right now because I’m . . . To be able to reconnect I need . . . The important benefit of journaling or drawing is that it captures and contains your upset, holding it still so that it’s not cycling repeatedly in your head and you can look at it, gaining a bit of separation from it and sometimes a different perspective. It can be difficult to make yourself do this, whether you’re feeling some variation of angry, hurt, scared, or guilty—or a combination. It’s natural that these emotions, once aroused, don’t want to let go of you. The thought-spiral they cycle into is fundamentally defensive and protective of you (and themselves)—even self-blame (e.g., I never get it right . . .) or catastrophic thinking (e.g., they’ll leave and I’ll be alone the rest of my life . . .) is building justifications for you’re a habitual sense of self and your reactions. Before re-engaging it’s important to ask yourself the A.R.E. question: Am I able to be accessible, responsive, and engaged now? If the question isn’t a clear yes, is there something you need from your partner to create the emotional safety you need to be present and engaged? Returning to Connection Right timing: is essential in having discussions that tend to morph into a conflictive pattern of interaction. Before you talk about the issue again, this might mean asking your partner if they are feeling open to reengaging? Starting with reassurances can contextualize the discussion in your love and commitment to one another. This might include reassuring each other of your love, desire to understand, willingness to listen, commitment to staying. Structuring the conversation: This can include “rules”: Who talks first and for how long without interruption. What kind of response you want or don’t want (e.g., no blame; understand but not correct or criticize; listen and care/reassure without trying to fix). Listen with attentiveness (if you start thinking about what you want to say, take a breath and return to listening, letting yourself feel what your partner is communicating) Remembering to use the “Oops” to stop yourselves from falling down the slippery slope into old patterns of interaction. And apply compassion with ourselves and one another--recognizing that old patterns will tend to crop up when we are emotionally, mentally, or physically stressed or beleagured beyond our capacity to cope. Text and image by Rebecca Livingston Pottenger |